When Bad News Turns Into A Great Thing.

      My hiatis from blogging has officially ended. Something great has landed in our laps. We have made the decision to adopt. As you know fertility has been a struggle, but recently we were told how serious it is. I do not have eggs and I am unable to ovulate. This was a hard reality to hear and of course, despite the fact that I have been told bad news relating to this topic over and over.. I cried so hard. I knew going into that appointment that I wasn't going to hear the miracle words "you can have babies just fine" but I definitely didn't expect it to be that bad.

      On to the happy part... Adoption! A family friend has told me about a pair of siblings. Both are young and have had a pretty rough childhood from what I gather. It broke me heart to hear about their situation and that they are in fostercare. With a pending split of the two in th future, my husband and I are doing whatever we can to stop it and take them both in. I have been racking my brain and searching for informatin everywhere. I cannot express how hopeful I am to make this dream a reality. We want so badly to keep them together and provide them with a loving home.

      So I am here to tell you, no matter what I have to do.. We will get this done. Also, I am going to be on here keeping you all updated! Feel free to visit our GoFundMe page and donate if you can. If you can't please just keep us and this dream in your good wishes and prayers.

Until next time,
Nicole

https://www.gofundme.com/robertsondream

PS. Thank you for all of your support.

Today brings good news!

After what has been a ridiculously long couple of weeks. Amidst starting a new job, one that I am not loving, I also have been tying tirelessly to get an appointment with a great reproductive endocrinologist, even willing to change medical coverage to do so. I am in the middle of Fall Quarter with school, taking 13 credits and studying until I feel like my head might explode. I recently also lost my grandmother, and I am unable to attend the funeral.It has been rough, I have been crying a lot and just trying to come to terms with it all. My little sister has been losing her mind, with my nephew being very sick. The lab results received last week had all of us scared. Turns out, he is OK and getting better everyday. Thank goodness. I can't believe I have had so much going on in such a short amount of time. I feel like this is the worst time to have my husband gone, and training. Although I know it is good for his career and our family, it would have been nice to have him home when all this horrible news got dropped on me. Just when I feel like it is never going to end, I got a letter in the mail today. It was from Tricare, and they approved my person selection for my referral to an Endocrinologist. I was ecstatic. Finally, some good news came today. I called and made my first appointment, and I couldn't be more excited to finally get this ball rolling. The lady who made my appointment said that the first visit is chalk full of information. So I am trying my hardest to make sure that my husband will be able to attend. This will be the first appointment he will be able to go to, that is.. if he can make it. If not, I am totally dragging someone along with me. I have roughly 12 pages of patient paperwork to fill out prior to attending, but I am up for that challenge. That little amount of information in the mail today put me into a spin of happiness.

    Then as I was headed to the city to get some products to finish my new hair color, I received a call. It was an operations manager at the large section of the company I work for. I have been applying for better positions within the company since I was hired, and doing online training's like a crazy person. Just hoping to hear back and be offered an interview. Well, even more great news. I was selected out of 5 people to come in and interview for the position, It starts out at better pay, with more hours. Sean and I have been trying to figure out how we will be able to buy a car, when I make such crappy pay (due to such little amount in hours, and CO minimum wage). I am praying like crazy that I get chosen out of the 5 people interviewed. 

    So after both little bits or information, I am in the best mood ever! This is something that was much needed, I have been in such a rut lately. I truly believe that someone is watching over me. I was definitely beginning to lose hope in getting the medical care I needed in order for Sean and I to even have a sliver of a chance of having a baby in the near future. I also was up to my neck in stress about finances and trying to get everything figured out. It seems as though everything at this moment is starting to fall into place. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but good vibes are important for this job opportunity. So, now that I have smiled for about 5 hours straight.. I think it is time to calm down. I am going to turn in for the night, hopefully after today I can actually get some much needed sleep. 

P.S. I hope all of you are having an amazing day as well.

Until next time,
Nicole

Fears, they are normal right?

So lately I have kinda taken a little break from writing. Probably wasn't such a great idea. There has been a lot of stuff happening in my life lately. I just moved half way across the US from the only place I have ever really called home. Which is all good and well, because I am actually with my husband (for the most part). Leaving Washington, was easy knowing I would be on this adventure with Sean. Getting to be together as a married couple, in the same house, hell the same city for the first time really since we got married. I was sad to leave behind all of my friends and family. As well as places I am so familiar with. On top of a big move to a new location, I had to try to make new friends and hope I bond with them as well as I do with the ones back home.

 I have a new medical clinic, one that is not doing a good job at all of taking care of my needs. I am scared! Scared that life is changing too much too fast, but also that it isn't changing. Lately, I have been feeling down. Not just the kind where you are sad for a little bit, then move on. I have been really down, and a close friend, my best friend to be exact, pointed out that she is worried I might be depressed. You know what? Im afraid she is right. I don't want that, but I can't seem to shake this sadness. To me it makes no sense, I have an amazing support system, a loving husband, a roof over my head and a nice life for myself. I honestly believe that I am allowing this "infertility" situation, to have such a strong of a hold on me. It brings me down all the time. I want to be able to just relax and let go. When the time is right, it will happen for us. But I can't. I feel badly that I cry so often, my poor husband just looks helpless, I know he wants to help, he just doesn't know what to say or how to go about it. So fears... mine is that I am not ok, and I want to be. So after talking it over with the hubby, I am going to look into talking to a therapist. Support groups help, but I think I need to dive deeper.

 Part of the reason I think about all this so much, is that I have far to much time on my hands. Since moving here, I had a hard time finding a job, now I have one and I still havent started trainging. I have school and general house work to keep me somewhat occupied, but it isn't enough. Sean gets up early and goes to his job all day. Then when he gets home, we have dinner, talk for a bit, shower and go to bed. I am here all day long and despite all that I have to do, I am not busy enough. Now, I have the house all to myself, since the hubs is off training for almost 2 months.. I have even more time and lonely hours on my hands. Yesterday, I went out with a friend and did crafts with her.It was fun to just chill and talk with another woman is a similar position as I am, military wife, who is home too much. 

Then I got a call in the middle of the day, telling me my grandmother had passed away. Growing up, I was like her little sidekick, I always wanted to be with her, joking around and having fun. But as the years went by and I got older, our relationship changed a lot. I didn't call her as much as I should have, and it's not because I don't love her. It was because I didn't feel good enough anymore. It seemed like I couldn't ever do anything right. So now, she is gone and I can't call her to apologize for not keeping in contact better, and that I love her. I feel awful that she died feeling like, I don't know.. maybe lonely and that I didn't care enough. My fear, is not only letting myself down, but those around me. I need to try harder to keep in contact with everyone I care about, I need to get some help to feel better and get out of this funk that is dragging me down. Out here, I feel so disconntected from everything, but that isn't anyones fault but my own. I am missing so much back home. My niece and nephews growing up, going to school, and the youngest one is going to be walking soon. My best friend is about to have a baby boy, and it breaks my heart that I am going to miss it. I won't be able to attend my grandmothers funeral in Idaho. I feel like I am stuck in a quiet empty house, doing the same mundane thing over and over. I need to get out. I need to disconnect from all the BS and start connecting to the things that truly matter. Fears are normal, it's what you let them control that counts. This fear, it's going to push me to get better, be happy, and to stay connected with loved ones.


Until next time,
Nicole

Frustration Builds...

     So far being here at Fort Carson is awesome, The neighborhood I live in is very nice and quiet. The weather is very nice, and it seems like there is a lot to do in the area. Sean and I are settling in nicely. Unfortunately there are downsides, which are starting to get very frustrating. Now don't get me wrong, I know I am doing this whole "be positive" thing. And you know what, so far, so good. I am feeling much better overall and happier as a result.

      The problem at the moment is.. health care. I miss Madigan hospital and my PCM clinic a lot! Since getting here, getting an appointment is seriously impossible. I am on Prime, so I don't have a lot of options. I get an appointment, I go, and hope to God that they actually do what is needed. If not, I have to struggle to get yet another appointment. I talked to my now current PCM about getting a referral to an Endocrinologist for my condition. He didn't even understand that women my age could have such a thing. He asked me what the risks were and symptoms. I am fully aware that not all doctors know fairly common conditions, but that freaked me out. I don't want a doctor that doesn't even understand a huge part of me at all. I got the referral and tried to call to set up my first appointment which is extremely important. Guess what happened!? Well the number is invalid to start (the number Tricare gave me) and he is no longer at that clinic. Ok? So I called to figure it out and I keep getting hung up on, or it sounds like they answered but put the phone in their pocket and are walking around.. So I am sitting there saying "Hello?" .. I hung up. 

      I decided to reach out to other ladies in my "infertility" situation here at this location. I talked to a girl who seriously recommends switching to Standard. Guess what? After hearing her entire explanation, I am seriously considering it. I think Fort Carson, has forced my hand. Am I wrong to not want to risk getting all the menopause symptoms back, a risk of heart disease and even cancer.. all because my doctors aren't on their game. I think not. I am going to be selfish when it comes to this decision. I have been told about an amazing fertility specialist who can help me. I want to be taken care of and feel confident that our money is going to someone who knows what to do for me.

Until next time,
Nicole

Looking into Adoption / Medical Help to Achieve Pregnancy

   The past few days, Sean and I have been looking into options regarding adoption. I have researched private adoption agencies in our local area. Also I am seriously considering foster-to-adopt. In the past year, all I was focused on was conceiving naturally. Due to the fact that I am going to require more medical assistance, such as Chlomid to help me ovulate or maybe even IVF. The thing that worries me about IVF, is the cost versus chance of success. I want to start doing the paperwork, and get the ball rolling. Sean is going to do more research on the steps needed, especially being a Military family. I know that it might be a little more difficult, but honestly providing a loving home for a child in need will more than make up for it. I long to be a mother, and despite the fact that I want to experience pregnancy and have a child of my own. I also want to be a mother more than having a baby myself.

      I am hoping to learn a lot about the different options that lay ahead of us. Reach out to others who have adopted both civilian and military alike. I want to know about their experiences and learn from it. Reach out to other women in my situation who have tried the different medical options, what was their experience (side effects, cost, timeline, etc.) I have heard a lot of amazing things and stories about hopeless couples finally getting that dream come true. Unfortunately, being a military spouse and being on Tricare Prime, I am only aloud to see specific doctors with a referral if I want insurance to cover it. When we lived in Washington State, I had the best doctors a girl could ask for. Every single one of them were extremely supportive and helpful during my treatment there. Since moving to Colorado, I have had difficulties finding the right doctors. My referral to an Endocrinologist seems to have serious limitations, and its not guaranteed to be covered by my medical insurance. The treatments if not covered will most likely cost me a lot. That causes a little concern. So I am just going to have to do more research and call around to figure it out.

      So when it boils down to it, naturally having a baby isn't in the cards as of yet. So Sean and I have decided to get the ball rolling looking into ALL of our options. I am very excited to be doing this. If we go the adoption route, I hope that the home visit (inspection) goes flawlessly. I hope that we get to bond so perfectly with the child we adopt. And if we decide to go the medical route to get pregnant, I hope that I don't suffer too many side effects, and that I have a supportive doctor. Since any option we decide to go with is going to be emotional and not necessarily easy, I am glad to say I have met some new friends here, that are very cool and supportive. Also, that I have an amazing support system at home and through Sean's family.

      I will keep you all up to date with "the know". So far, I am loving blogging. It is therapeutic and easy. I suggest many people try this to connect and share with others. Hope you all have an amazing day. Smile, and have a happy Labor Day weekend.

Until next time,
Nicole

The struggle is real

      For many people in the world, having a child is natural. It is easy, second nature even. But for many men and women, the struggle to conceive a child is far too real. Many people who I talk to day to day, or meet throughout my life are unaware that I struggle with infertility. It is a very personal and difficult issue to face, but I have come to the conclusion that when you are facing hard times you have to share with your friends and family. You need to lean on the people who care about you sometimes, to get through the rough times.

      I am lucky enough to have been blessed with an amazing husband. He is my rock, and when we found out for sure what the health issue was, he didn't get mad or make me feel like I was damaged goods. He said everything would be ok, that no matter what we face, he will be by my side. Now I know that it will be ok. I am happy with my life. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, food, a car, and a very loving and supportive group of family and friends. 

      Something many people don't realize, being married to the situation or on the outside looking in, is that infertility, no matter what the cause, can really damage a persons way of seeing the world and themselves. No matter how much you laugh and smile, there is still a deep sadness within you. I know many people who have health conditions that dictate whether or not they get the chance to experience pregnancy. PCOS, Thyroid problems, Diabetes, POF, etc.... the last in the list stands for Premature Ovarian Failure. This is the condition I have. The easiest way to explain it is..  I basically started menopause at the age of 16. I never got to go through the normal puberty stage like majority of girls out there. I lacked too much estrogen and made a little more than triple FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) than I should have been. A lot of testing was done. I can't count how many times I have been poked and prodded, the amount of ultrasounds and tests ran were insane. I started figuring out that there was an issue when I was in high school. 

      The first time I visited a doctor was at the age of 16. Unfortunately that specific doctor didn't do much to analyze the problem at hand. I remember that day like it was yesterday. After drawing blood and running "tests", the doctor came in. My mother and I sat there full of nerves and anxious to get results. She tried to pull that whole "good news/ bad news" thing on me. Either way I have to hear both right? Well ya.. The good news? I don't ever have to worry about those icky lady monthly visits. Bad news? I am sterile. Wait what!!!?? No!! I can't be. I am the only girl in my family who really wants kids. I broke down, my mom broke down. It was the most devastating moment of my life. I couldn't believe that I, me... I couldn't have a baby, ever? I took that news really hard. I mean, who wants to be told way before you are ever in a relationship, way before you actually even try to get pregnant, that you don't even get that option.

      The second time I talked to a doctor about this, she gave me false hope. Saying, "Oh no, you can get pregnant.. All you need is a shot to make you ovulate." Really I thought, OMG that is the best news ever. I was so excited. My dream of being a mom and experiencing a big baby belly might actually be possible. I was ecstatic.

***Between then and now, I have since met and fell madly in love with my now husband Sean. ***

      Well I know what you must think.. That is awesome right? No, not so much. I had to go into the ER, because I hurt my shoulder. One X-ray led the technician to tell the doctor I still had Growth Plates. At the age of  13 I think, they are supposed to fuse, which makes you stop growing. I ended up having to take that bit of information into my new doctor. I was skeptical. I heard many bad things about military medical care and didn't want to be pushed off to the side lines. But to my surprise, they knew it had to be looked into. I had more x-rays done, blood drawn and tested for multiple things. I had to come back in to meet with my PCM/OB about the results. She looked distressed and then a sad look came across her face. I knew that face. It is one I have seen far too many times. She stated that she didn't want to have to give me this news, but.... " I am sorry my dear, all the results so far are leading me to one conclusion. You have something called Premature Ovarian Failure." And there I was all over again feeling like I was 16. Mind you this time, I was alone at the hospital, my husband was stationed overseas and I just broke down. She jumped up and gave me a hug and just held me there for a minute, It was comforting for the time being. 

      I was so devastated to be hearing this all over again. But this time it was worse. Osteoporosis, possible heart disease, this POF needed to be treated and fast. It was time sensitive. So I have been suffering what I thought was menopause and I was right since age 16.. that's 10 years. Wow! My bones are brittle and I have to always take hormone therapy until I am advised otherwise (when I am in my late 40's early 50's). Telling Sean this news over the phone and skype was so difficult. But he made me feel so much better about it. My friends and family helped me through this as well. It was so nice to have people to count on during that time. 

      Fast forward almost a year now since starting hormone therapy. I am healthy for the most part. Happy with my life, but still missing something. We are trying to get pregnant, but it is a struggle. I have had baby fever like crazy, thinking far too much about the bad things. But I am changing that. I am going to go about life with a positive attitude, spend as much time experiencing amazing moments with my husband on our wonderful weird adventure of a marriage and just try to relax. 

      I am sharing my story, not only to jot down my thoughts and feelings, but to try to help others to see things they might not know about, or others struggling with infertility. This is my first of many posts. I am sharing not only things about infertility, but life in general. I am making many changes to my life, starting with my health. I will be sharing recipes, adventures, crafts, military wife stuff, etc. Everything life related. My life, our life together. I hope to inspire and help others along my journey. I hope you enjoyed my little-big rant. 


Until next time,
Nicole