God's Plan...

Today I returned to Church in hopes of finding my way again, renewing my faith and relieving some of the stress and worry in my heart and mind. It has been about 13 years since I have sat in a church pew and listened to a sermon. A coworker/friend of mine invited me to attend her church which is located on Fort Carson. I have been feeling a pull towards God and that maybe I should attend again. I did, and I am so glad that I did. I felt as though that sermon was meant for my ears. I have been feeling so lost, confused, doubtful, hopeless, hurt, etc. A few friends of mine lately have been trying to speak to me about God's plan for me and give me support through prayer. I couldn't be happier to have heard those words of encouragement and guidance. I was so emotional as I sat there listening to the pastor speak about how God sees and knows our stuggles and that sometimes he allows for those hard times in hope of us reconnecting with him and our faith. So today I give all my worry and stress away to God, I pray for brighter days and that he has only the best in store for me and my husband. I pray that there is a beautiful little baby waiting just around the corner to become ours and that all the horrible things I feel will be lifted from my heart and head. I am hopeful for the first time in a long time that this is the start of something amazing. God is good and it is well with my soul.

Until next time,
Nicole

Social Media...

Sometimes social media can be the devil. It is so difficult to see people I know consistently posting about new pregnancies, gender announcements, birth announcements etc. Last night I was notified that the infant my husband and I were supposed to adopt was born on Easter. He is the cutest little thing with a full head of hair. I can tell you this, that moment of seeing his picture and birth stats was extremely difficult to handle. I could be a mom, my husband a dad, and we could finally have a baby, but that is not the reality. The adoption did not work out as the mother decided to keep the baby. The communication was lacking and I felt in my gut that something was not right. So my husband and I backed away and decided to pursue something different. Last night was such a horrible gut wrenching night. I wanted so badly to be his mommy and to hold him and bring him home with us. I thank god every day for having such an amazing and supportive husband during times like this. It helps to know I have someone who will just hold me when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out. I tried so hard. I wish so badly that I could feel nothing but happiness for everyone who receives the miracle of having a child, but unfortunately all i truly feel is bitterness and jealousy. I have tried to just give this to God, step back, and let him do his work with me, but that is difficult to do. If it weren't for doing my business primarily online, I would definitely take a hiatus from Facebook. Today, I am trying to recoop from last night, breath, relax, etc. Wish me good luck in this trying time. I have attached a quote that could not explain my sadness better.

Until next time,
Nicole

Having A Feeling..

Lately I have had a feeling that maybe there was a miracle happening. Felt very sick lately, easily sick with certain foods, extra hungry, extra emotional, etc. A lot of people around me seem to think I'm pregnant despite doctors saying it's not possible. (Not to mention the weight gain in my stomach)  So at the advice of my doctor, I took my monthly pregnancy test.  It was of course negative. I have been feeling so hopeless lately about this, I feel like it's never going to happen. I continually pay for it to be, for us to become parents, and for me to get to experience pregnancy. Please Lord, let me be pregnant. Sleepless nights, depression, severe anxiety, being on an emotional rollercoaster.. I'm ready to just feel complete and happy. (Regarding children)  I want to look down at a big belly that is due to being pregnant, not just gaining weight. I will continue to pray for this miracle, as I know many others are for us as well. 

Until next time,
Nicole 

Military Lifestyle Sometimes Equals Loneliness

Being married to the military lifestyle is something I chose. I spend months and months away from my husbands and years at a time going without seeing my family. WARNING This post is a bit of a rant/vent. This is the first time in our entire marriage that my husband and I have been in the same country for our Anniversary. Our 3 year anniversary is in 2 days, and where do you think my husband is...? In the field. Perfect timing for the Army to take his whole company away for a week. Looks like another lonely anniversary spent alone. YAY me!

Rant over.

Until next time,
Nicole

Some Dreams Do Come True..

This post is probably not what you were thinking. I have always loved decorating and being creative. So after some deep thought and processing, I have decided to open my own business and return to school for interior design. I cannot even begin to explain to you my excitement. I officially started working on my business in January. I have started the process of getting a branding package and making some small home decor. So far so good. I hope that this becomes all I have ever dreamed it would be. My goal is to run this business successfully from home, so that I can be there as we grow our family. I want to be able to do this while also being present in my families lives. I never would've thought that I would become that woman who wants to be a stay at home mom, I have always loved working, so I figure why not have the best of both worlds, work from home and be with my children. That is.. when we have them. Soon we will be making the move to Watertown, NY area. I cannot wait. There is a fertility clinic that does discounted fees for military families. We hope to achieve pregnancy through embryo adoption. Cross your fingers for us, pray, and send good vibes our way. I am hopeful for our future. 

Until next time,
Nicole

Looking Back...

      I went back through and read old posts. That was hard to do and found myself tearing up. I am sure you remember my blog about the medical care of Fort Carson, I decided to change my medical facility to one on Peterson AFB. This medical clinic is far better in their ability to offer appointments in about 1 to 2 weeks, and they are on top of their game. They 100% want to make sure that you receive proper medical care and are healthy. One thing I haven't blogged about was my choice to go off of my hormones. We can chalk it up to a medical scare on my end. Basically, I heard that there was an 85% greater chance of me getting breast cancer due to taking hormones. That scared me, I became obsessed with getting off hormones and taking the more natural route with essential oils, herbal supplements, etc. It has been about 4 months since I stopped taking my hormones, when I told this to my new PCM, she was worried. Understandably, she was concerned that I would be putting my health at risk. My symptoms have been out of control and I am suffering as a result. I will be getting hormones later this week, so that is nice. Hot flashes, night sweats, inability to concentrate, etc... You name it, I got it. I have not gotten any good sleep in a while. Needless to say I am excited to get back on them. 
      Other things that have happened recently was the choice to wait until Nov 2017 to continue to try to build a family. We recently found out that we are PCSing to Fort Drum, NY. Very excited about this because we will be so close to Syracuse. There is a fertility clinic there that does lower priced treatments for military families. Sean and I have discussed it in length and believe that we want to try and have a baby with embryos. This would mean that I could carry and be pregnant! AHHH! Oh my goodness you guys, I hope this could work out. Although I have been trying very hard to remain positive and kick out the depressive feelings regarding being a mom, it is very hard. Please continue to pray for us and that we can make this dream a reality.

Until next time,
Nicole