God's Plan...

Today I returned to Church in hopes of finding my way again, renewing my faith and relieving some of the stress and worry in my heart and mind. It has been about 13 years since I have sat in a church pew and listened to a sermon. A coworker/friend of mine invited me to attend her church which is located on Fort Carson. I have been feeling a pull towards God and that maybe I should attend again. I did, and I am so glad that I did. I felt as though that sermon was meant for my ears. I have been feeling so lost, confused, doubtful, hopeless, hurt, etc. A few friends of mine lately have been trying to speak to me about God's plan for me and give me support through prayer. I couldn't be happier to have heard those words of encouragement and guidance. I was so emotional as I sat there listening to the pastor speak about how God sees and knows our stuggles and that sometimes he allows for those hard times in hope of us reconnecting with him and our faith. So today I give all my worry and stress away to God, I pray for brighter days and that he has only the best in store for me and my husband. I pray that there is a beautiful little baby waiting just around the corner to become ours and that all the horrible things I feel will be lifted from my heart and head. I am hopeful for the first time in a long time that this is the start of something amazing. God is good and it is well with my soul.

Until next time,
Nicole

Social Media...

Sometimes social media can be the devil. It is so difficult to see people I know consistently posting about new pregnancies, gender announcements, birth announcements etc. Last night I was notified that the infant my husband and I were supposed to adopt was born on Easter. He is the cutest little thing with a full head of hair. I can tell you this, that moment of seeing his picture and birth stats was extremely difficult to handle. I could be a mom, my husband a dad, and we could finally have a baby, but that is not the reality. The adoption did not work out as the mother decided to keep the baby. The communication was lacking and I felt in my gut that something was not right. So my husband and I backed away and decided to pursue something different. Last night was such a horrible gut wrenching night. I wanted so badly to be his mommy and to hold him and bring him home with us. I thank god every day for having such an amazing and supportive husband during times like this. It helps to know I have someone who will just hold me when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out. I tried so hard. I wish so badly that I could feel nothing but happiness for everyone who receives the miracle of having a child, but unfortunately all i truly feel is bitterness and jealousy. I have tried to just give this to God, step back, and let him do his work with me, but that is difficult to do. If it weren't for doing my business primarily online, I would definitely take a hiatus from Facebook. Today, I am trying to recoop from last night, breath, relax, etc. Wish me good luck in this trying time. I have attached a quote that could not explain my sadness better.

Until next time,
Nicole