After what has been a ridiculously long couple of weeks. Amidst starting a new job, one that I am not loving, I also have been tying tirelessly to get an appointment with a great reproductive endocrinologist, even willing to change medical coverage to do so. I am in the middle of Fall Quarter with school, taking 13 credits and studying until I feel like my head might explode. I recently also lost my grandmother, and I am unable to attend the funeral.It has been rough, I have been crying a lot and just trying to come to terms with it all. My little sister has been losing her mind, with my nephew being very sick. The lab results received last week had all of us scared. Turns out, he is OK and getting better everyday. Thank goodness. I can't believe I have had so much going on in such a short amount of time. I feel like this is the worst time to have my husband gone, and training. Although I know it is good for his career and our family, it would have been nice to have him home when all this horrible news got dropped on me. Just when I feel like it is never going to end, I got a letter in the mail today. It was from Tricare, and they approved my person selection for my referral to an Endocrinologist. I was ecstatic. Finally, some good news came today. I called and made my first appointment, and I couldn't be more excited to finally get this ball rolling. The lady who made my appointment said that the first visit is chalk full of information. So I am trying my hardest to make sure that my husband will be able to attend. This will be the first appointment he will be able to go to, that is.. if he can make it. If not, I am totally dragging someone along with me. I have roughly 12 pages of patient paperwork to fill out prior to attending, but I am up for that challenge. That little amount of information in the mail today put me into a spin of happiness.
Then as I was headed to the city to get some products to finish my new hair color, I received a call. It was an operations manager at the large section of the company I work for. I have been applying for better positions within the company since I was hired, and doing online training's like a crazy person. Just hoping to hear back and be offered an interview. Well, even more great news. I was selected out of 5 people to come in and interview for the position, It starts out at better pay, with more hours. Sean and I have been trying to figure out how we will be able to buy a car, when I make such crappy pay (due to such little amount in hours, and CO minimum wage). I am praying like crazy that I get chosen out of the 5 people interviewed.
So after both little bits or information, I am in the best mood ever! This is something that was much needed, I have been in such a rut lately. I truly believe that someone is watching over me. I was definitely beginning to lose hope in getting the medical care I needed in order for Sean and I to even have a sliver of a chance of having a baby in the near future. I also was up to my neck in stress about finances and trying to get everything figured out. It seems as though everything at this moment is starting to fall into place. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but good vibes are important for this job opportunity. So, now that I have smiled for about 5 hours straight.. I think it is time to calm down. I am going to turn in for the night, hopefully after today I can actually get some much needed sleep.
P.S. I hope all of you are having an amazing day as well.
Until next time,
Nicole
So lately I have kinda taken a little break from writing. Probably wasn't such a great idea. There has been a lot of stuff happening in my life lately. I just moved half way across the US from the only place I have ever really called home. Which is all good and well, because I am actually with my husband (for the most part). Leaving Washington, was easy knowing I would be on this adventure with Sean. Getting to be together as a married couple, in the same house, hell the same city for the first time really since we got married. I was sad to leave behind all of my friends and family. As well as places I am so familiar with. On top of a big move to a new location, I had to try to make new friends and hope I bond with them as well as I do with the ones back home.
I have a new medical clinic, one that is not doing a good job at all of taking care of my needs. I am scared! Scared that life is changing too much too fast, but also that it isn't changing. Lately, I have been feeling down. Not just the kind where you are sad for a little bit, then move on. I have been really down, and a close friend, my best friend to be exact, pointed out that she is worried I might be depressed. You know what? Im afraid she is right. I don't want that, but I can't seem to shake this sadness. To me it makes no sense, I have an amazing support system, a loving husband, a roof over my head and a nice life for myself. I honestly believe that I am allowing this "infertility" situation, to have such a strong of a hold on me. It brings me down all the time. I want to be able to just relax and let go. When the time is right, it will happen for us. But I can't. I feel badly that I cry so often, my poor husband just looks helpless, I know he wants to help, he just doesn't know what to say or how to go about it. So fears... mine is that I am not ok, and I want to be. So after talking it over with the hubby, I am going to look into talking to a therapist. Support groups help, but I think I need to dive deeper.
Part of the reason I think about all this so much, is that I have far to much time on my hands. Since moving here, I had a hard time finding a job, now I have one and I still havent started trainging. I have school and general house work to keep me somewhat occupied, but it isn't enough. Sean gets up early and goes to his job all day. Then when he gets home, we have dinner, talk for a bit, shower and go to bed. I am here all day long and despite all that I have to do, I am not busy enough. Now, I have the house all to myself, since the hubs is off training for almost 2 months.. I have even more time and lonely hours on my hands. Yesterday, I went out with a friend and did crafts with her.It was fun to just chill and talk with another woman is a similar position as I am, military wife, who is home too much.
Then I got a call in the middle of the day, telling me my grandmother had passed away. Growing up, I was like her little sidekick, I always wanted to be with her, joking around and having fun. But as the years went by and I got older, our relationship changed a lot. I didn't call her as much as I should have, and it's not because I don't love her. It was because I didn't feel good enough anymore. It seemed like I couldn't ever do anything right. So now, she is gone and I can't call her to apologize for not keeping in contact better, and that I love her. I feel awful that she died feeling like, I don't know.. maybe lonely and that I didn't care enough. My fear, is not only letting myself down, but those around me. I need to try harder to keep in contact with everyone I care about, I need to get some help to feel better and get out of this funk that is dragging me down. Out here, I feel so disconntected from everything, but that isn't anyones fault but my own. I am missing so much back home. My niece and nephews growing up, going to school, and the youngest one is going to be walking soon. My best friend is about to have a baby boy, and it breaks my heart that I am going to miss it. I won't be able to attend my grandmothers funeral in Idaho. I feel like I am stuck in a quiet empty house, doing the same mundane thing over and over. I need to get out. I need to disconnect from all the BS and start connecting to the things that truly matter. Fears are normal, it's what you let them control that counts. This fear, it's going to push me to get better, be happy, and to stay connected with loved ones.
Until next time,
Nicole
