Frustration Builds...

     So far being here at Fort Carson is awesome, The neighborhood I live in is very nice and quiet. The weather is very nice, and it seems like there is a lot to do in the area. Sean and I are settling in nicely. Unfortunately there are downsides, which are starting to get very frustrating. Now don't get me wrong, I know I am doing this whole "be positive" thing. And you know what, so far, so good. I am feeling much better overall and happier as a result.

      The problem at the moment is.. health care. I miss Madigan hospital and my PCM clinic a lot! Since getting here, getting an appointment is seriously impossible. I am on Prime, so I don't have a lot of options. I get an appointment, I go, and hope to God that they actually do what is needed. If not, I have to struggle to get yet another appointment. I talked to my now current PCM about getting a referral to an Endocrinologist for my condition. He didn't even understand that women my age could have such a thing. He asked me what the risks were and symptoms. I am fully aware that not all doctors know fairly common conditions, but that freaked me out. I don't want a doctor that doesn't even understand a huge part of me at all. I got the referral and tried to call to set up my first appointment which is extremely important. Guess what happened!? Well the number is invalid to start (the number Tricare gave me) and he is no longer at that clinic. Ok? So I called to figure it out and I keep getting hung up on, or it sounds like they answered but put the phone in their pocket and are walking around.. So I am sitting there saying "Hello?" .. I hung up. 

      I decided to reach out to other ladies in my "infertility" situation here at this location. I talked to a girl who seriously recommends switching to Standard. Guess what? After hearing her entire explanation, I am seriously considering it. I think Fort Carson, has forced my hand. Am I wrong to not want to risk getting all the menopause symptoms back, a risk of heart disease and even cancer.. all because my doctors aren't on their game. I think not. I am going to be selfish when it comes to this decision. I have been told about an amazing fertility specialist who can help me. I want to be taken care of and feel confident that our money is going to someone who knows what to do for me.

Until next time,
Nicole

Looking into Adoption / Medical Help to Achieve Pregnancy

   The past few days, Sean and I have been looking into options regarding adoption. I have researched private adoption agencies in our local area. Also I am seriously considering foster-to-adopt. In the past year, all I was focused on was conceiving naturally. Due to the fact that I am going to require more medical assistance, such as Chlomid to help me ovulate or maybe even IVF. The thing that worries me about IVF, is the cost versus chance of success. I want to start doing the paperwork, and get the ball rolling. Sean is going to do more research on the steps needed, especially being a Military family. I know that it might be a little more difficult, but honestly providing a loving home for a child in need will more than make up for it. I long to be a mother, and despite the fact that I want to experience pregnancy and have a child of my own. I also want to be a mother more than having a baby myself.

      I am hoping to learn a lot about the different options that lay ahead of us. Reach out to others who have adopted both civilian and military alike. I want to know about their experiences and learn from it. Reach out to other women in my situation who have tried the different medical options, what was their experience (side effects, cost, timeline, etc.) I have heard a lot of amazing things and stories about hopeless couples finally getting that dream come true. Unfortunately, being a military spouse and being on Tricare Prime, I am only aloud to see specific doctors with a referral if I want insurance to cover it. When we lived in Washington State, I had the best doctors a girl could ask for. Every single one of them were extremely supportive and helpful during my treatment there. Since moving to Colorado, I have had difficulties finding the right doctors. My referral to an Endocrinologist seems to have serious limitations, and its not guaranteed to be covered by my medical insurance. The treatments if not covered will most likely cost me a lot. That causes a little concern. So I am just going to have to do more research and call around to figure it out.

      So when it boils down to it, naturally having a baby isn't in the cards as of yet. So Sean and I have decided to get the ball rolling looking into ALL of our options. I am very excited to be doing this. If we go the adoption route, I hope that the home visit (inspection) goes flawlessly. I hope that we get to bond so perfectly with the child we adopt. And if we decide to go the medical route to get pregnant, I hope that I don't suffer too many side effects, and that I have a supportive doctor. Since any option we decide to go with is going to be emotional and not necessarily easy, I am glad to say I have met some new friends here, that are very cool and supportive. Also, that I have an amazing support system at home and through Sean's family.

      I will keep you all up to date with "the know". So far, I am loving blogging. It is therapeutic and easy. I suggest many people try this to connect and share with others. Hope you all have an amazing day. Smile, and have a happy Labor Day weekend.

Until next time,
Nicole

The struggle is real

      For many people in the world, having a child is natural. It is easy, second nature even. But for many men and women, the struggle to conceive a child is far too real. Many people who I talk to day to day, or meet throughout my life are unaware that I struggle with infertility. It is a very personal and difficult issue to face, but I have come to the conclusion that when you are facing hard times you have to share with your friends and family. You need to lean on the people who care about you sometimes, to get through the rough times.

      I am lucky enough to have been blessed with an amazing husband. He is my rock, and when we found out for sure what the health issue was, he didn't get mad or make me feel like I was damaged goods. He said everything would be ok, that no matter what we face, he will be by my side. Now I know that it will be ok. I am happy with my life. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, food, a car, and a very loving and supportive group of family and friends. 

      Something many people don't realize, being married to the situation or on the outside looking in, is that infertility, no matter what the cause, can really damage a persons way of seeing the world and themselves. No matter how much you laugh and smile, there is still a deep sadness within you. I know many people who have health conditions that dictate whether or not they get the chance to experience pregnancy. PCOS, Thyroid problems, Diabetes, POF, etc.... the last in the list stands for Premature Ovarian Failure. This is the condition I have. The easiest way to explain it is..  I basically started menopause at the age of 16. I never got to go through the normal puberty stage like majority of girls out there. I lacked too much estrogen and made a little more than triple FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) than I should have been. A lot of testing was done. I can't count how many times I have been poked and prodded, the amount of ultrasounds and tests ran were insane. I started figuring out that there was an issue when I was in high school. 

      The first time I visited a doctor was at the age of 16. Unfortunately that specific doctor didn't do much to analyze the problem at hand. I remember that day like it was yesterday. After drawing blood and running "tests", the doctor came in. My mother and I sat there full of nerves and anxious to get results. She tried to pull that whole "good news/ bad news" thing on me. Either way I have to hear both right? Well ya.. The good news? I don't ever have to worry about those icky lady monthly visits. Bad news? I am sterile. Wait what!!!?? No!! I can't be. I am the only girl in my family who really wants kids. I broke down, my mom broke down. It was the most devastating moment of my life. I couldn't believe that I, me... I couldn't have a baby, ever? I took that news really hard. I mean, who wants to be told way before you are ever in a relationship, way before you actually even try to get pregnant, that you don't even get that option.

      The second time I talked to a doctor about this, she gave me false hope. Saying, "Oh no, you can get pregnant.. All you need is a shot to make you ovulate." Really I thought, OMG that is the best news ever. I was so excited. My dream of being a mom and experiencing a big baby belly might actually be possible. I was ecstatic.

***Between then and now, I have since met and fell madly in love with my now husband Sean. ***

      Well I know what you must think.. That is awesome right? No, not so much. I had to go into the ER, because I hurt my shoulder. One X-ray led the technician to tell the doctor I still had Growth Plates. At the age of  13 I think, they are supposed to fuse, which makes you stop growing. I ended up having to take that bit of information into my new doctor. I was skeptical. I heard many bad things about military medical care and didn't want to be pushed off to the side lines. But to my surprise, they knew it had to be looked into. I had more x-rays done, blood drawn and tested for multiple things. I had to come back in to meet with my PCM/OB about the results. She looked distressed and then a sad look came across her face. I knew that face. It is one I have seen far too many times. She stated that she didn't want to have to give me this news, but.... " I am sorry my dear, all the results so far are leading me to one conclusion. You have something called Premature Ovarian Failure." And there I was all over again feeling like I was 16. Mind you this time, I was alone at the hospital, my husband was stationed overseas and I just broke down. She jumped up and gave me a hug and just held me there for a minute, It was comforting for the time being. 

      I was so devastated to be hearing this all over again. But this time it was worse. Osteoporosis, possible heart disease, this POF needed to be treated and fast. It was time sensitive. So I have been suffering what I thought was menopause and I was right since age 16.. that's 10 years. Wow! My bones are brittle and I have to always take hormone therapy until I am advised otherwise (when I am in my late 40's early 50's). Telling Sean this news over the phone and skype was so difficult. But he made me feel so much better about it. My friends and family helped me through this as well. It was so nice to have people to count on during that time. 

      Fast forward almost a year now since starting hormone therapy. I am healthy for the most part. Happy with my life, but still missing something. We are trying to get pregnant, but it is a struggle. I have had baby fever like crazy, thinking far too much about the bad things. But I am changing that. I am going to go about life with a positive attitude, spend as much time experiencing amazing moments with my husband on our wonderful weird adventure of a marriage and just try to relax. 

      I am sharing my story, not only to jot down my thoughts and feelings, but to try to help others to see things they might not know about, or others struggling with infertility. This is my first of many posts. I am sharing not only things about infertility, but life in general. I am making many changes to my life, starting with my health. I will be sharing recipes, adventures, crafts, military wife stuff, etc. Everything life related. My life, our life together. I hope to inspire and help others along my journey. I hope you enjoyed my little-big rant. 


Until next time,
Nicole