The struggle is real

      For many people in the world, having a child is natural. It is easy, second nature even. But for many men and women, the struggle to conceive a child is far too real. Many people who I talk to day to day, or meet throughout my life are unaware that I struggle with infertility. It is a very personal and difficult issue to face, but I have come to the conclusion that when you are facing hard times you have to share with your friends and family. You need to lean on the people who care about you sometimes, to get through the rough times.

      I am lucky enough to have been blessed with an amazing husband. He is my rock, and when we found out for sure what the health issue was, he didn't get mad or make me feel like I was damaged goods. He said everything would be ok, that no matter what we face, he will be by my side. Now I know that it will be ok. I am happy with my life. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, food, a car, and a very loving and supportive group of family and friends. 

      Something many people don't realize, being married to the situation or on the outside looking in, is that infertility, no matter what the cause, can really damage a persons way of seeing the world and themselves. No matter how much you laugh and smile, there is still a deep sadness within you. I know many people who have health conditions that dictate whether or not they get the chance to experience pregnancy. PCOS, Thyroid problems, Diabetes, POF, etc.... the last in the list stands for Premature Ovarian Failure. This is the condition I have. The easiest way to explain it is..  I basically started menopause at the age of 16. I never got to go through the normal puberty stage like majority of girls out there. I lacked too much estrogen and made a little more than triple FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) than I should have been. A lot of testing was done. I can't count how many times I have been poked and prodded, the amount of ultrasounds and tests ran were insane. I started figuring out that there was an issue when I was in high school. 

      The first time I visited a doctor was at the age of 16. Unfortunately that specific doctor didn't do much to analyze the problem at hand. I remember that day like it was yesterday. After drawing blood and running "tests", the doctor came in. My mother and I sat there full of nerves and anxious to get results. She tried to pull that whole "good news/ bad news" thing on me. Either way I have to hear both right? Well ya.. The good news? I don't ever have to worry about those icky lady monthly visits. Bad news? I am sterile. Wait what!!!?? No!! I can't be. I am the only girl in my family who really wants kids. I broke down, my mom broke down. It was the most devastating moment of my life. I couldn't believe that I, me... I couldn't have a baby, ever? I took that news really hard. I mean, who wants to be told way before you are ever in a relationship, way before you actually even try to get pregnant, that you don't even get that option.

      The second time I talked to a doctor about this, she gave me false hope. Saying, "Oh no, you can get pregnant.. All you need is a shot to make you ovulate." Really I thought, OMG that is the best news ever. I was so excited. My dream of being a mom and experiencing a big baby belly might actually be possible. I was ecstatic.

***Between then and now, I have since met and fell madly in love with my now husband Sean. ***

      Well I know what you must think.. That is awesome right? No, not so much. I had to go into the ER, because I hurt my shoulder. One X-ray led the technician to tell the doctor I still had Growth Plates. At the age of  13 I think, they are supposed to fuse, which makes you stop growing. I ended up having to take that bit of information into my new doctor. I was skeptical. I heard many bad things about military medical care and didn't want to be pushed off to the side lines. But to my surprise, they knew it had to be looked into. I had more x-rays done, blood drawn and tested for multiple things. I had to come back in to meet with my PCM/OB about the results. She looked distressed and then a sad look came across her face. I knew that face. It is one I have seen far too many times. She stated that she didn't want to have to give me this news, but.... " I am sorry my dear, all the results so far are leading me to one conclusion. You have something called Premature Ovarian Failure." And there I was all over again feeling like I was 16. Mind you this time, I was alone at the hospital, my husband was stationed overseas and I just broke down. She jumped up and gave me a hug and just held me there for a minute, It was comforting for the time being. 

      I was so devastated to be hearing this all over again. But this time it was worse. Osteoporosis, possible heart disease, this POF needed to be treated and fast. It was time sensitive. So I have been suffering what I thought was menopause and I was right since age 16.. that's 10 years. Wow! My bones are brittle and I have to always take hormone therapy until I am advised otherwise (when I am in my late 40's early 50's). Telling Sean this news over the phone and skype was so difficult. But he made me feel so much better about it. My friends and family helped me through this as well. It was so nice to have people to count on during that time. 

      Fast forward almost a year now since starting hormone therapy. I am healthy for the most part. Happy with my life, but still missing something. We are trying to get pregnant, but it is a struggle. I have had baby fever like crazy, thinking far too much about the bad things. But I am changing that. I am going to go about life with a positive attitude, spend as much time experiencing amazing moments with my husband on our wonderful weird adventure of a marriage and just try to relax. 

      I am sharing my story, not only to jot down my thoughts and feelings, but to try to help others to see things they might not know about, or others struggling with infertility. This is my first of many posts. I am sharing not only things about infertility, but life in general. I am making many changes to my life, starting with my health. I will be sharing recipes, adventures, crafts, military wife stuff, etc. Everything life related. My life, our life together. I hope to inspire and help others along my journey. I hope you enjoyed my little-big rant. 


Until next time,
Nicole