Everyone says that I am strong or that they admire my strength. But I am not that strong. I just know how to put on a brave face. But what makes things worse is being apart from my husband. I know his job requires him to be away a lot, but sometimes I just want to be selfish and keep him home with me. I don't get to be close to my long time friends or family and it is hard. I do have many days in a row or weeks where I am doing great with the situation and feel like nothing can bring me down. Then again there are times when the sadness creeps up on me and hits me like a ton of bricks. I can't shake it. Seeing pregnant women, newborn babies, or families together just make me want it so badly. Then people I know here see me at work when we have to scan children/infants clothing for markdowns. They see the look on my face. Longing to buy those outfits and put them on my baby or little kid. They look at me with sad eyes and say things like they know I will be a great mom one day and they can't wait until that day comes for me. Why can't that day just come easier? Strength is something I feel that I need more of. When I spoke with a counselor about the depression related to infertility she gave me a bit of advice that I think is great. She said.. "Be mad, be sad, you have every right to feel the way you feel about it. It is a loss and you have to grieve about it and get mad to feel better about it." So I get mad, sad, and angry.. and really sad. After a short period of being mad or sad I feel a little bit better. So my wish for anyone going through a situation similar to mine is that they can be sad or mad.. but then they can reach down deep for that strength that those around see inside us and use it to keep pushing through the hard times when the sadness creeps in. My wish for all of us suffering from infertility is to have the family, the dream one day. Just remember. You are strong. Stronger than most people even realize. So am I, sometimes I don't feel like I am as strong as everyone thinks.. but I am stronger.
Until next time,
Nicole
I recently joined one of my best friends in a journey for success. I am now an Independent Distributor for It Works Global. So far, I am so happy to say that I am actually excited. I have an amazing team of women and men that is so supportive and helpful. We have been given training tips from a Presidential Diamond in the company and other up-lines. I have so many amazing opportunities to advance in this company and to help others. One thing that stood out to me in our family zoom chat last night was, what is my WHY? After being told to to think of this, because this is the driving force behind my success... I did and this is my WHY!
Many of you have been following my journey on this blog since the beginning so you know my story. The reason I want to do this and be successful is because of my story. Struggling with infertility and being told that my only option of having children and being pregnant, was to use donor eggs and the cost is insane! Insane I tell you, $18k to be exact. My why is to be able to do that without having to take out a loan. Without going into crazy debt. I want to experience that amazing miracle of pregnancy and feel the blessing of my baby kicking my tummy, growing, and then experiencing birth. To many women out there, this is something you may not think is a big deal. But to my husband and I, it is! We have started taking adoption classes as well because we want to adopt kids who want a forever home, a family who will show them all the love and support they deserve. But to be completely honest, I also want to be pregnant. Although the child will not be genetically mine, it will be my baby, one that grew inside my dreams and heart way before it grew in my belly. This WHY, this is why I want to be successful and strive to help others in the process. I want to be able to afford that cost of achieving pregnancy. It would mean the absolute world to me.
So what is your why?
Until next time,
Nicole
So as many of you know, Sean and I have decided to start the adoption process. We know that we could try to achieve pregnancy with donor eggs at a very high cost. After talking about this in great length, we have decided it would be too hard on me and him if anything were to happen and I were to not take or miscarry. So, like we have discussed many times in the past we have decided to proceed with adoption. This is something that has always been on our radar. We heard about a pair of siblings that were in foster care and we wanted to jump on that as soon as we could. Our ultimate goal was to keep them together and to provide them with a loving forever home. The application, questionnaires, and packet was submitted. Classes are scheduled and we were so excited about the process being in full swing. Sean and I were researching like crazy and making sure our house would be 100% ready for the upcoming home study. We were notified that a family member has decided to take in one of the children, so we could only proceed with adopting the girl. It was confusing, but we still wanted to proceed with it. I can't even begin to tell you all how much support was pouring in from all directions. It warms our hearts to know that so many of our friends and family wanted to help and support us in this journey.
Unfortunately, I did receive an email last Friday, telling us that they were not going to move forward with this homestudy and foster-to-adopt. I'm not gonna lie, I was absolutely heart broken. We were excited and ready to start this part of our life and welcome either both or one child into our home and family. I had already set up her room and got her pre-enrolled in school. I was a work when I got the email and as soon as I saw those words "unfortunately we have decided not to proceed" I felt my heart sink. I instantly felt sick and shaky. My heart was so in this and I was so excited. You couldn't do anything to bring down my mood. The news hit me hard and I couldn't stop crying. What made it worse was others knowing we were in the process. I know what you are thinking.. how does that make it worse? Well just as I was starting to calm down and feel like I could continue working, a friend at work said, "How is the adoption process going, when are you gonna get her?" I broke down and ended up asking to go home early. I walked home and used that time to breath and calm down. When Sean got home we talked about what to do now and where to go from here. We have decided to continue with everything, hoping to get a newborn so that we can have all of those amazing experiences of parenting a child from birth and beyond. This should be fun trying to figure out all of the steps necessary and finding an agency or lawyer to help us with the process.
What makes this even more difficult is the whole military aspect. If for any reason Sean has to deploy or leave, it will set us back even more. Classes and homestudy must be complete with him in person before anything can continue. I am hopeful that we can get as much done as needed before "duty calls" but who knows for sure. We would appreciate prayers and positive thoughts being sent our way while we navigate through the process of adoption. This will be an adventure for sure, hopefully it is filled with more happiness than devastation. But I am sure we will encounter many more bumps along the way.
Until next time,
Nicole
