Strength

Everyone says that I am strong or that they admire my strength. But I am not that strong. I just know how to put on a brave face. But what makes things worse is being apart from my husband. I know his job requires him to be away a lot, but sometimes I just want to be selfish and keep him home with me. I don't get to be close to my long time friends or family and it is hard. I do have many days in a row or weeks where I am doing great with the situation and feel like nothing can bring me down. Then again there are times when the sadness creeps up on me and hits me like a ton of bricks. I can't shake it. Seeing pregnant women, newborn babies, or families together just make me want it so badly. Then people I know here see me at work when we have to scan children/infants clothing for markdowns. They see the look on my face. Longing to buy those outfits and put them on my baby or little kid. They look at me with sad eyes and say things like they know I will be a great mom one day and they can't wait until that day comes for me. Why can't that day just come easier? Strength is something I feel that I need more of. When I spoke with a counselor about the depression related to infertility she gave me a bit of advice that I think is great. She said.. "Be mad, be sad, you have every right to feel the way you feel about it. It is a loss and you have to grieve about it and get mad to feel better about it." So I get mad, sad, and angry.. and really sad. After a short period of being mad or sad I feel a little bit better. So my wish for anyone going through a situation similar to mine is that they can be sad or mad.. but then they can reach down deep for that strength that those around see inside us and use it to keep pushing through the hard times when the sadness creeps in. My wish for all of us suffering from infertility is to have the family, the dream one day. Just remember. You are strong. Stronger than most people even realize. So am I, sometimes I don't feel like I am as strong as everyone thinks.. but I am stronger. 

Until next time,
Nicole