So lately I have kinda taken a little break from writing. Probably wasn't such a great idea. There has been a lot of stuff happening in my life lately. I just moved half way across the US from the only place I have ever really called home. Which is all good and well, because I am actually with my husband (for the most part). Leaving Washington, was easy knowing I would be on this adventure with Sean. Getting to be together as a married couple, in the same house, hell the same city for the first time really since we got married. I was sad to leave behind all of my friends and family. As well as places I am so familiar with. On top of a big move to a new location, I had to try to make new friends and hope I bond with them as well as I do with the ones back home.I have a new medical clinic, one that is not doing a good job at all of taking care of my needs. I am scared! Scared that life is changing too much too fast, but also that it isn't changing. Lately, I have been feeling down. Not just the kind where you are sad for a little bit, then move on. I have been really down, and a close friend, my best friend to be exact, pointed out that she is worried I might be depressed. You know what? Im afraid she is right. I don't want that, but I can't seem to shake this sadness. To me it makes no sense, I have an amazing support system, a loving husband, a roof over my head and a nice life for myself. I honestly believe that I am allowing this "infertility" situation, to have such a strong of a hold on me. It brings me down all the time. I want to be able to just relax and let go. When the time is right, it will happen for us. But I can't. I feel badly that I cry so often, my poor husband just looks helpless, I know he wants to help, he just doesn't know what to say or how to go about it. So fears... mine is that I am not ok, and I want to be. So after talking it over with the hubby, I am going to look into talking to a therapist. Support groups help, but I think I need to dive deeper.
Part of the reason I think about all this so much, is that I have far to much time on my hands. Since moving here, I had a hard time finding a job, now I have one and I still havent started trainging. I have school and general house work to keep me somewhat occupied, but it isn't enough. Sean gets up early and goes to his job all day. Then when he gets home, we have dinner, talk for a bit, shower and go to bed. I am here all day long and despite all that I have to do, I am not busy enough. Now, I have the house all to myself, since the hubs is off training for almost 2 months.. I have even more time and lonely hours on my hands. Yesterday, I went out with a friend and did crafts with her.It was fun to just chill and talk with another woman is a similar position as I am, military wife, who is home too much.
Then I got a call in the middle of the day, telling me my grandmother had passed away. Growing up, I was like her little sidekick, I always wanted to be with her, joking around and having fun. But as the years went by and I got older, our relationship changed a lot. I didn't call her as much as I should have, and it's not because I don't love her. It was because I didn't feel good enough anymore. It seemed like I couldn't ever do anything right. So now, she is gone and I can't call her to apologize for not keeping in contact better, and that I love her. I feel awful that she died feeling like, I don't know.. maybe lonely and that I didn't care enough. My fear, is not only letting myself down, but those around me. I need to try harder to keep in contact with everyone I care about, I need to get some help to feel better and get out of this funk that is dragging me down. Out here, I feel so disconntected from everything, but that isn't anyones fault but my own. I am missing so much back home. My niece and nephews growing up, going to school, and the youngest one is going to be walking soon. My best friend is about to have a baby boy, and it breaks my heart that I am going to miss it. I won't be able to attend my grandmothers funeral in Idaho. I feel like I am stuck in a quiet empty house, doing the same mundane thing over and over. I need to get out. I need to disconnect from all the BS and start connecting to the things that truly matter. Fears are normal, it's what you let them control that counts. This fear, it's going to push me to get better, be happy, and to stay connected with loved ones.
Until next time,
Nicole
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